Dear DC: Fuck you

Sunday, September 4, 2011 11:17 AM By Simon

So, yes, I know, gentle readers o mine, this has nothing to do with anything. But we'll be back to normal programming once school kung-fu's me into semi-regular sleeping habits. But, for now, if you don't particularly care about comic book events, or comic books proper, you can just, you know, scurry along. Watch some cat videos. Whatever.

So. DC. We've come to this. Hey, man, I get it. The 21st century hasn't been kind to the comic book industry. What with people turning to the televisions and the internets and the iPods and that newfangled hippity-hop for their entertainment purposes. Even you, the biggest name in comics (besides Marvel, but pfft, Marvel) is forced to go big or go home. You've killed everyone. You've brought them back to life.

But now.

This.

A reboot.

Of everything.

You asshole.

Do you have ANY FUCKING IDEA what a pain in the ass it is to get into your comics? You've got 52 fucking Earths, and they each get their own versions of the same damn people. I've been into comics for a year, and I've barely cracked the impenetrable fortress that is Batman's continuity, forget about the rest of the bunch. I've neglected Vertigo. The Runaways (okay, Marvel, you get one). I go on vacation for a week, and suddenly Dick Grayson's the new Batman?

So now you're telling me, with the introduction of the Flashpoint universe, EVERYTHING I'VE SWEATED OVER IS OFFICIALLY NULL AND FUCKING VOID?

You bitches can't just be all, oh, wait, never mind, Barbara Gordon's Batgirl again. Because you know why? That would imply that the Killing Joke never happened. I will not stand for a world where the Killing Joke never happened.

Flashpoint is confusing enough.

I get that this is partially why you're rebooting, that the DCU has gotten too convulated with all the Post/Pre-Crisis nonsense, but for fuck's sake, my brain will go numb if I have to read one more Bruce Wayne origin story.

Well. At least you're brining Starfire back. It gives me hope for a comic book-meets-animated-series Teen Titans reunion.

No, I'm not mad at you. You're just a handfull sometimes.

Now get outta here, you little scamp. Don't go throwing rocks at Wildstorm. He can't help it.

10 comments:

Yojimbo_5 said...

Oh. c'mon. You cried at Thomas Wayne's note. You CRIED. And you smiled when Supes clocked Green Lantern.

Look. I'd like "All-Star Superman" to be canon, but it ain't. I'll live. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to write the on-line petition to have Darth Vader's "Nooo!" taken out of Return of the Jedi.

September 4, 2011 at 1:11 PM
Simon said...

Yojimbo: I cried at Damian Wayne's letters to Dick Grayson too, but they didn't even put them in the books. So. Also, I'm making a petition to negate your petition, because that moment was glorious.
(and I haven't finished the last issue of Flashpoint yet, so THANKS A HEAP, dear).
http://www.comicsalliance.com/2011/06/23/robin-damian-wayne-letters-dick-grayson-nightwing/

September 4, 2011 at 1:43 PM
Yojimbo_5 said...

Supes clocking GL is Justice League #1. I'm not spoiling Flashpoint for you....

Also, for the Blu-Ray of Return of the Jedi (Episode VI)...they've put in a "Noooo!" when Darth Vader...makes a decision.

September 4, 2011 at 9:39 PM
Simon said...

Yojimbo: Then you just spoiled JL #1 so like WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Was it a tough decision?

September 5, 2011 at 8:46 AM
Simon said...

Yojimbo: Speaking of which, have you ever found it weird that the Justice League of America is based in space? That's not even patriotism, it's just favoritism.

September 5, 2011 at 8:55 AM
Fitz said...

I lost all interest in DC Comics after reading Seph Loeb and Grant Morrison's graphic novels. Everything afterward just looked like crap.

September 6, 2011 at 10:09 AM
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September 7, 2011 at 7:47 AM
Yojimbo_5 said...

Kind of agree with Fitz's assessment of Superman. That "All-Star Superman" was amazing. Looking forward to his '30's Superman in the 21st Century.

Simon: I just keep spoiling things, don't I? Makes me hesitant to say that it was a very tough...if previously silent...decision.

And for the JLA, well, the Justice League USED to HQ in the States, both in the original run of the comic (in a cave) and the animated "Superfriends" (The Hall of Justice, which popped up in Meltzer's run), so they weren't always in space. Morrison had them on the Moon (same difference).

September 7, 2011 at 2:16 PM
Simon said...

Fitz: But Grant Morrison's...kinda back...

Yojimbo: Tell that to the Moon Men. AND SUPERMAN IS GOING ALL CAPTAIN AMERICA TELL ME WHEN WHERE AND HOW THIS VERY MINUTE.

September 7, 2011 at 8:35 PM
Yojimbo_5 said...

Action Comics #1 written by the esteemed Mr. Morrison.

September 14, 2011 at 2:45 PM